I'm sorry...


For these things, I am so very sorry. I am sorry that you are an addict. I'm sorry that you are not strong enough. That you think we hate you. That sometimes, for a fleeting moment, we also think we do. I’m sorry that you hate yourself. I’m sorry that our mom looks back with regret. That she feels she should have hung up her stethescope and collected a welfare check instead of struggling to support our family by working hard. That she thinks that would’ve saved her son. I’m sorry that mom and I were not home when our neighbor first got you high. I’m sorry that he also got his own, 12-year-old son high that day. I’m sorry our little brother was also there. I’m sorry that it was Crystal Meth. I’m sorry you were so young. That we had no idea. I’m sorry you looked up to that man. I’m sorry we couldn’t fix you. I’m sorry that we let your wife fall in love with you in the first place. We should have told her you were in recovery. She deserved more than what you have given her. I'm sorry we were always so hopeful, especially in the beginning. I’m sorry she has drained her bank account trying to divorce you. I’m sorry that you were such a good dad during your sobriety. That your little girl talks about her daddy incessantly when she’s with me because she's so heartbroken you're gone and she loves you so much. It makes me so sad. I’m sorry your soon-to-be-ex-wife has to tell your babies their daddy has a sick brain. I’m sorry that you don’t deserve her or those babies. I’m sorry you are such a beautiful person when you are sober. That my own kids love you so damn much that they drive around at night looking for your truck. I’m sorry that I myself, have stopped looking for you. I’m sorry that you were given all the talent. I'm sorry that you've wasted it. I’m sorry that I hide from you every time you are first re-attempting sobriety because I can’t bear to see you, skin and bones, looking like an addict. I’m sorry that when you’re high, you aren’t the boy I grew up with. That you turn into a monster. That you are unrecognizable to me. I’m sorry that knowing your heart makes it that much harder when you relapse. I’m sorry that you get our hopes up to always make us sad, especially our mom. I’m sorry that I've had to harden my heart to you over the years. That that’s the only way I can handle the life you’re living. I’m sorry that you don’t believe in God anymore. I know there were times that He was the only thing you DID believe in. I’m sorry our mom has to see our own family posting these videos and mug shots of you. It’s humiliating. I’m sorry you embarrass us all so much. I’m sorry you got so bad this time. I’m sorry you stole from people. I’m sorry you stole from so many of our friends, people we love. You know they are wonderful people. I’m sorry you did it anyway. You made them feel unsafe in their own homes. I’m sorry I had to give them your name. I’m sorry you did this to the community we have called home most of our lives, you love this town. I’m sorry that right now you’re better off locked up. I’m sorry you’ve left us with so little hope. I’m sorry you’ve spent months showing the world this person I don’t even know when you could’ve shown them how beautiful you are instead. I'm sorry that you've lost yourself.